Half a century for'ard!

50 ! Half a century and what do I show for it ?

For about the last five months, a slow but sure "menopausal" feeling has crept over me in those daily, private moments between wakefulness and sleep. I ask myself the question with trepidation: “At 50 years of age, what do I have to show for this time spent on the planet?” And I admit that I have lain awake for several minutes longer whenever this question hovers over me, menancingly, it seems!

Fifty is probably one of those shared milestones which goad people into self-examination, self-doubt and self-castigation!

That has been my experience, certainly!

A casual examination of my current status in the light of “accepted” norms shows the extent to which I am a non-starter! First, where is the “wife and kids” unit that is supposed to complete the individual? In my case, it does not exist! Second, where are the obvious trappings of success that are taken for granted by “People Like Us”? Where is the car, for example, or the farmhouse? The zillion-inch LCD flat-screen TV? Where are the memberships to tony clubs? Alas, my poor old Activa is the only means of transportation I possess, and the messy bedroom the only haven into which I duck for succour in my more angst-ridden moments! For the club memberships, I have never thought of plunking down lakhs of rupees to be able to swill low cost whiskey and pretend to use the gym! Besides, considerate friends always invite me to such places when required!

Well, then, for all practical points of view, this case is doomed from the start!

Or is it?

I think not!

Agreed, I may not be saddled by the trappings of what constitutes “success” to others! But I am successful in my own way. I have overcome chronic diffidence and the fear of the unknown. I have been able to gulp hard and face adversity in a variety of forms: poverty and the attendant hunger and deprivation; uncertainty and the accompanying nervousness; nail-biting tension and stress; and in recent times, stress on the job!

Yes, I was able to overcome. I persisted and achieved. I vanquished and attained. I persevered and suffered fools gladly!

I was able to do my job the best way I could : with enjoyment and love, with care and affection. 26 years spent in a profession that allows me to remain connected to youngsters who, while they shake their heads with amazement at my “old-fashioned” ways, are quick to bring me to speed in their fast-paced world.

I was able to connect with kindred spirits who dedicate their lives to bringing the light of knowledge to our future generations. I was able to observe Masters at work, weaving their particular brand of magic in a classroom, juggling difficult points of grammar with dexterity. I have seen language pundits draw students into poetry, dazzle the audience with verbal pyrotechnics! And I have watched philosophers philosophise on the essential human condition. From each, I know, I have gleaned pinpricks of illumination that light my path and the ones my own students will tread.

And that, I believe, is where my brand of success truly lies!